The Sorcerer of Poz
by Skippy1
Summary: A parody of The Wizard of Oz. Darcy Hale is lost in a magic world with his cat Zozo! Can he follow the purple dirt road and make it back to his home???
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the Wizard of Oz or anything else in this and I am making no profit from this.  
  
The Sorcerer of Poz Chapter 1  
  
Darcy Hale came running down the street to his home in Bezerkly, California one evening with his cat, Zozo, screaming,  
  
"Animal abuse! Animal abuse! Call the SPCA!" His Aunt Kim and Uncle Lenry were waiting for him. They owned a restaurant and lived upstairs. Darcy came bursting into the kitchen.  
  
"Aunt Kim, Aunt Kim," he panted. But Aunt Kim paid no attention to him. She was messing with the stove. "When I was coming home, I stopped by Miss Tulch's to pick up Zozo. And as I walked in, I saw her kick Zozo! She kicked him! Can you believe that? I'm calling the SPCA!"  
  
"Don't bother me. This dumb stove's broken, and we're likely to lose a lot of customers," replied Aunt Kim. Suddenly they heard a deep rumbling sound, and the floor began to shake.  
  
"Earthquake!" screamed Aunt Kim. She ran to where the customers were dining and instructed them to get under their tables. Darcy, still holding Zozo, scurried under the largest table along with Aunt Kim, Uncle Lenry, and two waiters, Hank and Zack. Suddenly Zozo darted out from under the table and ran into the kitchen.  
  
"Zozo! You stupid cat!" exclaimed Darcy. He ran into the kitchen after Zozo. Zozo was getting into the cat food that had spilt all over the floor. Darcy bent down to pick him up when a heavy bag of flour hit him on the head and knocked him out.  
  
Darcy woke up alone in the kitchen. He scooped up Zozo from the pile of cat food and walked outside. "Zozo, I don't think we're in Bezerkly anymore," remarked Darcy. Darcy was in a strange environment, a place he had never seen before. Suddenly a bunch of huge giants came out from hiding singing some song about a doorbell and a witch that was dead. Darcy was awestruck. A few moments later, a woman with remarkably straight teeth came out and patted him on the shoulder.  
  
"You have killed the Evil Witch of the Crooked Teeth. Thank you," said the woman with straight teeth.  
  
"Um, you're welcome?" said Darcy uncertainly.  
  
"I am the Good Witch of the Straight Teeth," began the Good Witch of the Straight Teeth, but she was interrupted by the arrival of another witch. This witch had remarkably crooked and disgusting teeth.  
  
"Who killed my sister? Who?" asked the witch with crooked teeth.  
  
"Oh, that'd be me!" said Darcy. He raised his hand.  
  
"You?" questioned the witch with crooked teeth. Darcy nodded. "Good job!" exclaimed the witch with crooked teeth. "Now I can take those leather sandals that she bought with my money when we were eleven." She moved toward Darcy's house. Darcy looked behind him and saw two very hip sandals sticking out from under his house. Ooh, those are nice, he thought. He grabbed the sandals. The witch with crooked teeth gasped.  
  
"How dare you! Give those back!" she demanded.  
  
"No," replied Darcy. He put them on his feet.  
  
"All right then, now this is war! Beware!" exclaimed the witch with the crooked teeth. She clapped her hands together and disappeared in a cloud of dust.  
  
"That," said the Good Witch of the Straight Teeth, "was the Evil Witch of the Crooked Teeth."  
  
"Hm. I wonder where that name came from," said Darcy sarcastically. "So how do I get back to Bezerkly?"  
  
"If you wish to leave, you must go see the Sorcerer of Poz," said The Good Witch of the Straight Teeth. "He lives in Diamond City."  
  
"But how do I get to Diamond City?" asked Darcy.  
  
"You follow the purple dirt road," said one of the giants.  
  
"Follow the purple dirt road?" questioned Darcy. He eyed a dirt road that was, in fact, purple.  
  
"Follow the purple dirt road!" exclaimed another giant. The giants began to sing another song. Gee, these people like to sing, thought Darcy. He began to walk down the road, but as the giants grew more annoying, he ran as fast as he could. 


	2. Chapter 2

Once he couldn't hear the giants' singing, he walked. He walked for hours and hours, and eventually he came to a field. Suddenly a one-eyed monster appeared in front of him.  
  
"Excuse me, but have you happened to see-" Darcy screamed in fright and ran. "No wait, I'm only supposed to scare crows!" Darcy turned around reluctantly.  
  
"But aren't farmers supposed to put scarecrows in their fields to scare crows away?" asked Darcy. The Monster laughed.  
  
"Please. Crows aren't that stupid. I've lost my second eyeball. Have you seen it?"  
  
"No, I haven't," replied Darcy. "I am trying to go to Diamond City to ask the Sorcerer of Poz how to get back to Bezerkly, my home."  
  
"Perhaps I could ask the Sorcerer for another eyeball!" gasped The Monster. "I mean, even if I find the old one, it is probably quite dirty."  
  
"You can come with me!" exclaimed Darcy. So Darcy and The Monster walked down the purple dirt road. Soon they came to a large fitness center. Suddenly an extremely buff man came running out screaming,  
  
"My weights! I've lost my weights! How will I ever keep my tight abs? Or my biceps! Or triceps! Oh, dear, the list goes on! Woe is me! Woe is me!" He sat down on a rock and began to weep.  
  
"Don't cry, you can come with us. We are going to Diamond City to ask the Sorcerer to fulfill our wishes," said The Monster to the buff man.  
  
"Oh, how nice of you. Thank you. I am Iron Man," said Iron Man. He shook The Monster's hand.  
  
"And I'm Darcy Hale. I am trying to go back to my home, Bezerkly," said Darcy.  
  
"I need a second eyeball," said The Monster. So Darcy, The Monster, and Iron Man walked down the purple dirt road hand in hand. Soon they came to a forest.  
  
"It's a forest. There might be wolves in there!" exclaimed Iron Man.  
  
"And aliens!" said The Monster.  
  
"And Santa Claus!" said Darcy. An awkward silence followed. Iron Man and The Monster looked at him.  
  
"Santa Claus?" questioned Iron Man.  
  
"I don't know, he always kind of freaked me out for some reason. I mean, he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, and he sees everything you do. Does that mean that he sees you in the shower and when you're undressing too? He sounds like a stalker to me," explained Darcy.  
  
"Wolves, aliens, Santa Claus!" they all whispered in unison as they walked into the forest.  
  
"Oh my!" whimpered Darcy in a surprisingly girlish voice.  
  
"Wolves, aliens, Santa Claus!" they all chanted.  
  
"Oh my!" yelped Darcy. This continued, until someone in a red and white outfit and a white beard jumped out at them. "Santa Claus!" screamed Darcy. He froze in fright.  
  
"Oh, hello," said Santa Claus. "I was just heading to Diamond City to ask The Sorcerer for a life. It is so annoying bringing presents to little kids. And then they leave me cookies. Why do they leave me cookies? Are they making fun of my weight problem? Why doesn't anyone leave me a Slim- Fast? And those elves! They're annoying! Especially that Snow Puff. And I have had enough. I need a life!"  
  
"Well, you can come with us. We are also going to Diamond City to ask The Sorcerer for wishes," said The Monster.  
  
"Does this mean you're not going to stalk everyone anymore?" asked Darcy. Santa snorted.  
  
"Please. I never did that. That's just something the parents made up to make you good the whole year." Darcy's jaw dropped.  
  
"Those liars!" he gasped. "I'm never doing the dishes again!" Then he gasped again. "I've figured it out!" he exclaimed. "This is just like that movie! It's just a dream! I feel so relieved now. All I have to do is click my heels together three times and say, 'there's no place like home, there's no place like home'!" Everyone stared at him. He clicked his heels together with his leather sandals, closed his eyes, and said, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home." He opened his eyes. Everyone was still staring at him. They were beginning to wonder about his mental health. "Fiddlesticks, it didn't work!" he pouted.  
  
"Okay," said Santa uncertainly. So Darcy, The Monster, Iron Man, and Santa Claus all walked down the purple dirt road. Soon they came to a huge, tall structure. There was a sign outside of it that said "Diamond City".  
  
"Yay!" yelled Darcy. "We made it to Diamond City!" He clapped his hands and jumped up and down in glee. They saw a huge castle, and assumed that was where The Sorcerer lived. So they knocked on the door. The door opened and Harry Potter stood there. 


	3. Chapter 3

"Harry Potter!" they all gasped.  
  
"Yes. I am no longer a wizard, I am now a Sorcerer!" said Harry Potter.  
  
"Okay. I want to go back to Bezerkly, my home," said Darcy.  
  
"And I want an eyeball!" said The Monster.  
  
"And I want my weights!" said Iron Man.  
  
"And I want a life!" said Santa Claus.  
  
"All right. For me to grant your requests, you must bring me the Evil Woman's magic dentures!" said Harry Potter.  
  
"Those things in her mouth are dentures?" gasped Darcy. "Ugh! Goodness, why didn't she get straight ones?"  
  
"Apparently the crooked ones were cheaper," replied Harry Potter.  
  
"But how are we going to get those out of her mouth?" asked Darcy.  
  
"I shall pull them out with my super strength arms!" exclaimed Iron Man. Darcy raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Do you really want to do that?" he asked.  
  
"No, not really, that's kind of gross. Plus she'd probably bite my hand or something."  
  
"So in order to get her dentures, we have to like, destroy her!" exclaimed Darcy.  
  
"How are we going to do that?" asked Santa.  
  
"Well, there's only one thing I know of that can destroy anything!" said Iron Man.  
  
"What's that?" asked Darcy.  
  
"A fatty french fry from McRonald's." So Darcy, The Monster, Iron Man, and Santa Claus all ran to the nearest McRonald's in Poz, got some french fries, and ran back to Diamond City. There they got directions to Crooked Teeth Castle, where the Evil Woman lived, and they ran over to it. There they put the french fries right outside the door, opened all the windows, and turned on fans so the enticing odor of the french fries would go into the castle. After a few moments, the Evil Woman of the Crooked Teeth came out.  
  
"Oh, what could that enticing odor possibly be?" she sighed. She looked down at the french fries. "Ooh," sighed the Evil Woman. She began to drool, and finally picked up the french fries and stuffed them in her mouth. She made a coughing sound, and screamed,  
  
"I'm evaporating! I'm evaporating!" Soon all that was left of her was her disgusting dentures lying on the ground. Everyone went up to the doorstep to see it.  
  
"All right! We destroyed the Evil Woman!" yelled Darcy.  
  
"Now I shall get a life!" exclaimed Santa.  
  
"And I my weights!" exclaimed Iron Man.  
  
"And I my eye!" exclaimed The Monster.  
  
"So now all we have to do is bring it to the Sorcerer," said Darcy.  
  
"Yep," said The Monster. No one really did anything for the next few minutes because no one wanted to touch the disgusting dentures.  
  
"Okay, I'm not touching it," stated Darcy.  
  
"Neither am I," said Santa.  
  
"Neither am I," said Iron Man.  
  
"Neither am I," said The Monster. They all looked at Zozo. He shook his head no. Darcy sighed.  
  
"Someone has to touch it. If we don't bring it back to the Sorcerer, then how will our wishes be fulfilled?"  
  
"You know, I don't really need two eyes. One eye suits me fine," said the Monster. He turned and went back to his field.  
  
"And giving out presents and stuff isn't so bad," said Santa. "In fact, I actually enjoy those cookies. And," he paused and sniffed, "I miss those stupid elves. I don't know what I was thinking before." He walked back to his sleigh in the forest and flew back to the North Pole.  
  
"And I can always lift logs instead of my old weights!" exclaimed Iron Man. "I mean, who cares what I'm lifting as long as it weighs a lot? I don't need those weights!" He walked back to his fitness center. 


	4. Chapter 4

"Well, I guess it's just you and me now, Zozo," sighed Darcy. He frowned at the dentures still on the ground. Suddenly Zozo jumped out of his arms and looked at them.  
  
"You're wrong, it's just you now!" exclaimed Zozo.  
  
"You can talk?" gasped Darcy.  
  
"That's right I can talk. And I'm plotting to take over the world too. And you know what else? That sack of flour that knocked you out was actually supposed to kill you! And even if you do get out of Poz, you can't tell anyone, because they won't believe you! No one will believe that a cat who could talk could plot to take over the world!" answered Zozo. He scurried away laughing evilly. Darcy stared at him, awestruck. Then he stared at the dentures and pouted.  
  
"This couldn't get any worse," he whimpered. Then quickly, "I didn't mean that!" But it was too late. It began to rain. Darcy was so desperate now, that he picked up the dentures, held them away from his body, and ran back to Diamond City, whimpering,  
  
"Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!" Finally he reached the Sorcerer's door and knocked on it.  
  
"Who is it?" answered a friendly voice from inside.  
  
"It's me, Darcy, and I have your dentures!" Slowly the door opened and Harry Potter stood there and looked at him.  
  
"Oh you, well, you weren't actually supposed to come back, so like, well, Good luck!" said Harry Potter very quickly. He shut the door in Darcy's face. Darcy just stood there, awestruck. Then he erupted in a fit of rage. He threw the dentures through the glass window, breaking the glass. Then he kicked the door many, many times, while screaming, very, very, loudly. Then, suddenly, he stopped, sat down, and began to meditate. After a few moments of that, he did some yoga, and then some Tai Chi. He had always wanted to see if all of that really worked, and, as it turns out, it didn't. He went back to kicking the door and throwing rocks through the windows, hoping one of the rocks would hit Harry Potter. All of a sudden the door opened and Harry Potter looked at him.  
  
"Would you please stop vandalizing my house?" he asked. Darcy ran up and punched him right smack-dab on the nose. Harry Potter fell over.  
  
"Ow," whimpered Harry Potter, clutching his nose.  
  
"That felt good!" yelled Darcy. "That worked so much better that all that yoga!"  
  
"Ow," Harry Potter whimpered again. It stopped raining and Darcy walked away relieved of his anger. And suddenly Darcy had a brilliant idea.  
  
"This couldn't get any worse!" he yelled. And, as he predicted, it began to rain. And again, he yelled, "This couldn't get any worse!" And, as he predicted, it began to hail. As he had hoped, one of the balls of hail that came down hit him in the head and knocked him out.  
  
Darcy woke up in the kitchen with Aunt Kim and Uncle Lenry looking down at him.  
  
"I knew it!" he screamed. "I knew it was a dream!" He looked over at Zozo. "You can't talk! You're not taking over the world!" Aunt Kim and Uncle Lenry laughed.  
  
"You dreamt about Zozo taking over the world?" asked Uncle Lenry. Darcy nodded. He and Aunt Kim went into hysterics.  
  
"It's not funny," said Darcy. "It was scary." Aunt Kim and Uncle Lenry just left, still laughing. Darcy looked at Zozo. Zozo looked back.  
  
"I'll get you next time!" said Zozo. He walked outside, laughing madly. 


End file.
